Kunming

I dreamt of F. I still remember her lips, her eyes, her freckles. In intricate detail.

Beijing

I'll definitely miss having H about. The morning at the Summer Palace showed there's far less banter without them. Myself and D get on fine, but we need a comic foil. K's a nice girl, but I think she's too keen on me. The next while travelling might prove tiresome. At this moment, after a few beers, the dream would be for H not to be able to sleep, but that's just fantasy.

At the heart of it, I'm a nice Catholic boy. It's just not in me to move on a girl 'til I'm sure, and I'm sure she's sure. Kissing for the sake of it doesn't appeal to me. Should I change that?

People

L shared some stories of his national service in the Swiss arm - training with gas masks on, pace drills. He's not quite what I expected - a consultant, he seems dry at first, but he has a great sense of humour, and is more than willing to join in the drinking games.

***

Had a nice talk with H yesterday. She's cute, and very intelligent and well-spoken. Ambitious, she's training to become a lawyer, and will probably work in Paris for six months. Very little privacy on this trip to see if anything will happen though.

Siberia

So here I am, two weeks in. Once again I find myself playing to people's expectations, fitting into a role they subconsciously define, and I half-consciously fulfil. This fucking caricature of myself, crossed with a stereotypical goofy Irishman. This yammering eejit who talks too much, who can no longer let silences reign for long. I'm like a hyperactive child. If I keep this up for much longer, nobody will be able to stand me. I won't be able to stand me.

Which brings me to the purpose of this whole trip. Primarily there are places I want to visit, to see, to experience and explore! To meet the Australians. To break from my daily routine at home. But I'll be returning to that.

Am I searching for something? For 'me'? To find myself? To find the future Ms Me? To show others I can do it - roam free for six months? But what kind of freedom ends at a comfy desk job? Am I still running from F? Trying to leave V and I behind? All the stupid things I've done over the past five years. What have I been doing for that time? Am I trying to make the couples jealous? Those who I can't help by envy. Settled, stable, happy.

Self-assessment is never positive at 1am. Fin.

Reflections on the day

Nothing beats a nice creamy pint of Guinness.

Having friends who make you dinner when you arrive unexpectedly is just great.

Settlers of Catan is a far simpler and more enjoyable game than expected.

"Have you got wood?" induces fits of giggles, even when innocently asked.

Ultimate unsent text

I could've, but didn't. I wouldn't, I couldn't, because it's not her. I want to tell her I miss her. I want to tell her I've made a terrible mistake. I want her back.

Late Sunday night

My head is brimming with thoughts, as it usually is at this time of night. Thoughts of what lies ahead for the week - dealing with the plumber, and perhaps a replacement boiler. Lots of driving practice to be done. Trying to negotiate a six month leave-of-absence with my boss, after he put two years' worth of work on my desk for this year. My eternal optimism that I might get up at 7am to go for a run before work. After five hours' sleep. It'll be the one escape from my head if I manage it.