Dear Doctor

Am I creating an expectation subconsciously? You wanted things slow? Now they lack passion. Do you know what you want? Is it my sinister moustache?

May it's that you didn't know what you wanted from me, because it wasn't me you wanted it from. Logical and rational pairing is different from emotional and sexual want and need.

Maybe I'm a more emotional person. I guess you like the idea of me, more than actual me.

Is some part of you terrified of any kind of commitment? A month in the future is too much, it sets off an avalanche of worry, of babbling protests.

A thousand potential futures flash before my eyes. You think you're remote, you think too much? Welcome to my world!

You seemed much more relaxed when you, well, relaxed.

Possibly it's a sign of desperation on both our parts, but I have not fared well from my two passionate relationships. Are we past passion? Is there a certain age, when we have stopped trusting innately? And everyone is investigated?

Or is there a time for settling?

Letter

I went for my own solo thinking session yesterday, though I did it on foot. My longest ever run - out to the M50 and back. Not quite as far as Trim. :P

Just wanted to write a closing note. I think you're great, and I was always fond of you. I really enjoyed the wee time we had - except maybe for the first part of that first day when I was still a bit hungover. The goodnight kiss was worth it though. I don't think I gave you the courting you deserved, I should've swept you off your feet more - I was far too relaxed about it being friends already.

Anyway, your head is where it is, and I don't begrudge you that, nor do I envy you it. I hope when you get to a more settled place you let me take you out for dinner again, and in the meantime if you need a distraction, or fancy a spin and a swim, just drop me a line. I'm never too far away.

x

Going through the motions

Sometimes I feel like I'm just going through the motions, filling my days with activities and socialising so that I don't have a chance to stop and think, to realise and confront that loneliness which dwells within.

I've become so argumentative about hypothetical relationships, about possibilities. Pessimistic on behalf of others. I've given up looking, to give myself an excuse? Or once bitten...? Am I self-sabotaging, or just insecure?

I dreamt of my own death last night, falling into the sea, accepting my fate, and whatever comes next... the darkness of oblivion. It was welcome in the dream, like a new adventure, an exploration of the great beyond.

Maybe I just miss the excitement of travelling, everyone is settling down, and dragging me with them. Can I afford a comfortable home life while still getting away? Definitely need to get that promotion. Need to get my head right, make a list and cross it off. A place of own? A space of my own. I can't restrict myself to doing one thing and doing it well, can I do everything, and still do them well?

I tried to leave you

I tried to leave you. I don't deny. I closed the book on us at least a hundred times. I'd wake up every morning by your side.

The years go by. You lose your pride. The baby's crying so you do not go outside. And all your work is right before your eyes.

Goodnight, my darling. I hope you're satisfied. The bed is kind of narrow, but my arms are open wide. And here's a man still working for your smile.

- Leonard Cohen.

Why?

Why do I feel so empty inside? Why do I feel like my heart just died? Why do I feel so cheap and used? Why do I feel so abused? Why do I fool myself so? Why can't I just let her go?

Giving up

In hindsight, I think she's just emotionally immature. Or afraid of commitment? She needs to learn a thing or two about making relationships work - she didn't try talk it out with me, or give it a second chance. She just gave up.

Break up

It's called a break-up because something is broken.

She treated you like shit, blew you off, denied yous ex.

She used you.

Long distance was a convenience for her, you were a patsy.

You'll meet someone shinier.

What becomes of the broken hearted?

Was it my constantly cold hands? Was it my shitty old phone? Was it that I caused us to miss a flight, and nearly miss another? Was it because I didn't like you smoking, and told you so? Was it my terrible puns and awful jokes? Was I too sweet, too eager, too nice, too jokey, too playful? Was it because I wasn't very close to my family? You're preternaturally close to yours. Was it because I don't have a car? Do I just not fit into your plans? Did I ever?

You can sing, and cook, and I can do neither of those things. You can name a million different plants, and I cannot. I thought you could teach me these things. I could help you learn computers, and take you out cycling. I never had a chance to take you out dancing. To bring you to the cinema. To watch a DVD on my couch. We endured so much for so long. I thought this was what we were looking forward to, what we were aiming for. I view our relationship as like a flower. Our first couple of dates was the planting. The long-distance months were the careful nurturing - watering and feeding. Now you're home, the green shoots were showing, and soon we blossom. It's what kept me going, knowing you'd be home soon, that we'd be in the same city, that things would get better. Things would be normal. The plant would flower. But instead you're cutting it down before it had a chance.

We're finally together, can't you give that a chance? You talked it out with your sister, why don't you talk it out with me? I don't understand how you can be so cold about it. I feel so fucking used. I was the sucker that would tide you over until you got home, the loser who would make the effort to go to Edinburgh, like a fucking puppy, following you around, and I didn't see that you were stringing me along. I don't think you realised you were doing it though. Fuck. Why couldn't you have ended it sooner? Before Christmas, before New Year's. Why would you invite me to your house for Christmas if you felt this way? And if you didn't feel it then, how can you make a decision after a day of thinking that throws away nine months. Nine months wasted. Rendered null. Void.

You're home now, you don't need me. The fool who spent eight months shuttling between cities, between countries. Your friends and your family are around you now, what room is there for me? I thought you were coming home to me, not to be away from me.

I can't believe I bought new shoes, and brought you a rose. Got a haircut, shaved in work, just to be extra smooth. Offered to cook for you. You met my Granny. I told you my PIN number. These are the little things that helped me realise how much you were a part of my life, even though we lived in different countries.

Let's start over. We said it was going to be difficult, this adjustment period. Are you afraid of committing? Scared that it might be hard? We can get through this.

J

I comfort her, and am unsure if she made a remark that I "can be with anyone [I] want".

Laila

Not long has passed, with a tequila and some dancing, and then L is on me, smooching! So delicious. A disappears, and I spend the evening with his friends instead, dancing and kissing L.

I have the lovely L to myself for a night and a morning. Soft and dark, it's great to lose myself in no strings attached pleasure, laughing, joking, touching, singing, grabbing, feeling. Delicious.

R

She reminds me a bit of J, spreading herself thin, trying to meet and please everyone. Or maybe just not me. Either way, it leaves me a bit pissed off. If she's gone cold on me, I'd wish she'd just say, rather than let her actions make me angry.

Jen

I sit beside J, and we're very comfortable with each other, like lovers. I wonder if I should've taken advantage of our own room last night, but I'm looking forward too much to seeing R, and I didn't want to spoil it.

G

I get the feeling G wanted me to kiss her, but she's only young really, both in age and maturity. Also, it would be pretty awkward if I met R again. So no go.

K

If she didn't have a boyfriend, I'd almost be in love. As it is, five years they've been together, and he's 29, so it's obviously serious. I'm not going to mess with that.

Rangitata

Stefan sits on the couch beside me, his arm wrapped around Barbara. It evokes a twinge of jealousy in me. I never had that intimacy with R, just relaxing in front of the television. I'm making too big a deal of her, but my heart has caught, snagged on her. She texted yesterday, but it makes no difference, we won't be seeing each other. Should I find someone new?

Another goodbye

There's not much time to talk, but we share an embrace and a quick kiss. Another goodbye.

Our last night

I'm not sure at what time I decided R was actually ignoring me, and that it wasn't my paranoid imagination. This would be our last night together most likely, and she had barely spoken to me all night. I felt like a third wheel. When the Buffalo turned into a softcore strip club, herself and H went outside in protest. I grabbed my jacket, joining them to tell them I was going home. They didn't appear to hear me though, and went back inside. Not sure what to do, I began to note my thoughts on my phone, something I haven't been angsty enough to do for quite some time.

The Irish Exit... I think it might something performed for attention. Leave in the hope that someone (or anyone) will miss you. But you drunkenly miscalculate. Nobody notices, and deep down you knew they wouldn't. All you want to do is go home and wallow in self-pity.

But she did notice. She explained that she just wanted to spend tonight with H. Why invite me at all? Maybe this is how J felt after Mui Ne. All I wanted was a moment with her to myself. One to savour and remember. Maybe I'll see her again, maybe I won't. I wonder if it was all a plan of hers - to intentionally drive me away. Act like an arsehole, make separation less painful? Maybe she does this often, and I'm just some guy. Maybe I should just avoid the holiday romances for the last few weeks.

We hugged tightly, a fond embrace, and goodnight.

R

We must have sat there for an hour, sharing little details of our lives with each other. Her parents are psychology professors. I forget that she's only 22, she hasn't had a serious boyfriend yet. She's in my lap, we kiss and hold each other.

Nice kiss

A little while later, R says she's heading to bed. I accompany her upstairs, where we kiss, but K is already asleep on her bed, so nothing further happens. Nice kiss though.

Somewhere in the Pilbara

Once again I feel like everyone else is in a race, and I am yet to put my runners on. M&S are engaged, A&S are expecting, as are M&J. C&L are moving in together, while N&A have their own place. C&T have long achieved domestic bliss. J&E have bought their house. K&E, L&P - names only uttered in pairs. Everyone is growing up, and I seem to be stuck in some self-pitying limbo, dreaming of F, and leaving potential relationships unfulfilled along the way. I don't have the guts to make a leap, to jump into the unknown. I need someone to push or pull me.