Somewhere in the Pilbara

Once again I feel like everyone else is in a race, and I am yet to put my runners on. M&S are engaged, A&S are expecting, as are M&J. C&L are moving in together, while N&A have their own place. C&T have long achieved domestic bliss. J&E have bought their house. K&E, L&P - names only uttered in pairs. Everyone is growing up, and I seem to be stuck in some self-pitying limbo, dreaming of F, and leaving potential relationships unfulfilled along the way. I don't have the guts to make a leap, to jump into the unknown. I need someone to push or pull me.

Karijini

Dreamt of F last night.

Perth

D is texting me. I get the feeling she thinks I used her, but it is hard to persuade her otherwise via text. I get an email in the morning apologising for the wording of some of the texts. It is much more understanding and reasonable. Have to spend some time replying later.

Perth

It wasn't my intention to be cool and aloof on first encounter, but that's probably how it came across. A little shorter than expected, but more beautiful in person. Odd to hear the Australian accent, not sure why. Not how I pictured a first meeting. I think our lives have grown so separate - we have fallen out of touch as adults.

Singapore

Stole some kisses in a nook of the building, thunder and lightning around us.

Singapore

Got an email from M asking for a Skype, do so. He and S are not only back together, but engaged! They sat down and talking things through, and are planning to get married next year! Happy news! So fantastic to hear, especially after he sounded so depressed last week.

My own happy news is that I moved my flight from tomorrow (Sat) to Mon, and D is flying here tomorrow morning, so we can spend the weekend together! Really looking forward to just hanging out, spending time together. Also kissing.

Bangkok

Sitting on the comfy seats, I want to kiss, but am unsure.

During the show, D frankly declares her regret that nothing happened between us in Vietnam. We kiss on the side of the road. Our Thai audience approves.

It has been too little, too late. A missed opportunity. A taste of what have been. Hopefully we'll have another chance in the future - it's a good excuse to come back to Thailand. And sure there's always Facebook. Just one more kiss before I go...

Tubing

Got home on the roof of a tuk-tuk again, while kissing an Icelandic girl. I wish I could remember her face - she was a wonderful kisser. Back to her hotel with another couple - the girls went upstairs to change while we waited in the lobby. The other guy ran up a few minutes later, and then I left. Why oh why!?

Hanoi hotel

Chatted to C as we walked. really nice girl, makes me all the more disappointed that we didn't kiss the other night. Think my breath was too garlic-y for her liking - stupid chicken and chips! Invited all three back to the hotel - D came after some humming and hawwing, which I think may have been to throw off L.

***

A couple are kissing in the corner - I can just see the guy's legs. When they are joined by the back of a black-haired head, I realised he's getting a cheeky BJ in the common room.

Mui Ne once more

A two-night stand is not something I've done before, and I think it's not something I'll do again. This trip is about trying new things, and that's enough for me.

Mui Ne again

It's surreal really, she's stretched out on the bed before me at present. She's a very sexualised young woman, used to being objectified, and perhaps too eager to please. She's very much not my sort of girl, and she's already beginning to grate - sprouting pseudo-hippie psycho babble at dinner - how the past doesn't make us who we are. But I have made my bed, and now I must sleep in it. She's leaving tomorrow thankfully. At least now I know I will never have a trophy wife. The sex makes me feel like a porn star, but it's not worth it.

I watched the RWC final with a beer in hand, while a sexy woman waited in my bed. I think I maybe be past sex for the sake of it. Relationships are definitely the way to go. Or at least intellectual attraction and compatibility are essential for me if I want to last longer than two days with a girl.

***

Great to see B again, though I fear she's lost all respect for me, due to the fact that I am liaising with a rather vain girl. I don't blame her really. I fear I am taking advantage of a girl who is too used to flattering men's egos, and resorting to sex as a past-time. I'm looking forward to some quality time with B tomorrow without having to babysit.

Mui Ne

Between songs, while we sat down, I kissed J.

I tasting of whiskey, she of cognac. She was a little drunk, I was buzzing, but ice was broken.

***

We lay out listening after we returned to the hostel. Loungers aren't very comfortable though, so I think we will get a private room tonight. A bungalow on the beach would be superb.

Kunming

I dreamt of F. I still remember her lips, her eyes, her freckles. In intricate detail.

Beijing

I'll definitely miss having H about. The morning at the Summer Palace showed there's far less banter without them. Myself and D get on fine, but we need a comic foil. K's a nice girl, but I think she's too keen on me. The next while travelling might prove tiresome. At this moment, after a few beers, the dream would be for H not to be able to sleep, but that's just fantasy.

At the heart of it, I'm a nice Catholic boy. It's just not in me to move on a girl 'til I'm sure, and I'm sure she's sure. Kissing for the sake of it doesn't appeal to me. Should I change that?

People

L shared some stories of his national service in the Swiss arm - training with gas masks on, pace drills. He's not quite what I expected - a consultant, he seems dry at first, but he has a great sense of humour, and is more than willing to join in the drinking games.

***

Had a nice talk with H yesterday. She's cute, and very intelligent and well-spoken. Ambitious, she's training to become a lawyer, and will probably work in Paris for six months. Very little privacy on this trip to see if anything will happen though.

Siberia

So here I am, two weeks in. Once again I find myself playing to people's expectations, fitting into a role they subconsciously define, and I half-consciously fulfil. This fucking caricature of myself, crossed with a stereotypical goofy Irishman. This yammering eejit who talks too much, who can no longer let silences reign for long. I'm like a hyperactive child. If I keep this up for much longer, nobody will be able to stand me. I won't be able to stand me.

Which brings me to the purpose of this whole trip. Primarily there are places I want to visit, to see, to experience and explore! To meet the Australians. To break from my daily routine at home. But I'll be returning to that.

Am I searching for something? For 'me'? To find myself? To find the future Ms Me? To show others I can do it - roam free for six months? But what kind of freedom ends at a comfy desk job? Am I still running from F? Trying to leave V and I behind? All the stupid things I've done over the past five years. What have I been doing for that time? Am I trying to make the couples jealous? Those who I can't help by envy. Settled, stable, happy.

Self-assessment is never positive at 1am. Fin.

Reflections on the day

Nothing beats a nice creamy pint of Guinness.

Having friends who make you dinner when you arrive unexpectedly is just great.

Settlers of Catan is a far simpler and more enjoyable game than expected.

"Have you got wood?" induces fits of giggles, even when innocently asked.

Ultimate unsent text

I could've, but didn't. I wouldn't, I couldn't, because it's not her. I want to tell her I miss her. I want to tell her I've made a terrible mistake. I want her back.

Late Sunday night

My head is brimming with thoughts, as it usually is at this time of night. Thoughts of what lies ahead for the week - dealing with the plumber, and perhaps a replacement boiler. Lots of driving practice to be done. Trying to negotiate a six month leave-of-absence with my boss, after he put two years' worth of work on my desk for this year. My eternal optimism that I might get up at 7am to go for a run before work. After five hours' sleep. It'll be the one escape from my head if I manage it.

yay

The traditional proverb states that it is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all, but I'm beginning to disagree. You can't miss what you never had, and likewise, you don't know what you have 'til it's gone.

I'm despondent of late. My siblings have been bothering me, an eejit of a taxi driver used his indicator to assume automatic right-of-way over me on the way home. I feel trapped by the scouts, but the sense of letting them down if I were to pull out would be too much.

My friends are happily coupled... do I resent them? Is that what this is? With their apartments and houses that they call their own. Their separate lives entwined around and within each other, supporting, nurturing, helping, loving.

Instead I surround myself with stuff. Items. Goods. Things. The things I said I could live without. CDs. DVDs. Alcohol. yay.

NYE

Running. Racing. Travel.