Death by car

There was a woman knocked down around the corner from my current abode, on Tuesday night at 6.35pm. She was 90 years old, on the way home from mass. She was a friend of my grandmother. These are the facts.

The road she was crossing is a wide one, but one with no pedestrian crossing. It's often used as a rat run, being in a residential area, but parallel to the main Drumcondra Road.

She was hit by a car. She died.

My presumption is that the driver was on the way home from work, using the road as a rat run. The road is wide, and cars often turn into it fast, knowing there is no tight cornering to be done. I presume the driver turned fast into the corner, and could not stop before hitting this woman. Which means that the driver was going too fast.

Why would someone drive fast? To get home from work quicker.

So a woman was killed, because somebody else wanted to get home from work quicker.

The driver is likely traumatised by the event.

I wonder if any charges will be pressed.

Lunchtime

Life is weird if you think about it too much. I just ate an apple, to gain energy and prolong my life from consuming its biomass. I'm like a vampire for apples. I ingest their souls.

Authenticity

You know, it's when I talk to my friends from days gone by that i realise... there's a genuine nature that they lack. And that's why i love you. x

Countryside

There's a particular ability of the countryside to make you feel more alive. Everything is heightened, everything seems more vivid, more real. The wind blows stronger, the sun shines warmer. Even the rustling silence that the bustling city denies seems more deafening. You sit quiet in awe, the power of nature, of god. This place, so little of which is manmade, resounds with simple beauty.

Airport

Why is my heart so heavy? Is it because I'm about to do something momentous, solo? Surely I've passed the point where taking a weekend break elicits anxiety and a feeling in the gut of my stomach like I've just gotten a punch.

Do I believe this weekend will be a farce? Hardly. London is well-known to me at this stage; even if I haven't planned every hour of this trip, it's no matter.

More likely the ex is weighing on my mind. Ever since I discovered she'll be going to the wedding, argh, she has been at the back of my mind. The cut in the roof of my mouth that would heal if only I could stop tonguing it. I don't think I'm still in love with her, she's more like a shadow cast over me, my lovelife.

Paulo Coelho. Part of me blames him for the break-up. That book... but it was me really. I stopped making her happy at some point. We dragged it out, but that's all that matters. No happiness.

One more sleepless night

Why does Morpheus deny me his sweet embrace? His gentle caress bringing blissful slumber, ignorance and escape from the rigours of thought and deed. Instead I dwell in the land of the restless, forever turning on the spit of fatigue, wishing for an end to the tortutous moments wasted awake.

Memories of those I've met

Flashes of R's face, of L bold and unashamed. J, sitting cross-legged on my bed. K, her wild red hair whipped across her face while beaming that ever-present smile. J, a protective father, but so young at heart, stilling living life like the adventure it is. 

Written on my phone

Memories of people... Russians. The VT crew, each one them a gem. Emerald, a female Chinese Ultan. Jeany. Lee. The Easy Riders. Bobby. Team Denmark, so daft but welcoming. L&C, J&T. Team Scotland, who did so much to bring me out of myself.

Debbie. M&J. The Western Exposure band. The guests of Annie's Place. The Uluru tour group. Lisa and Marco, and the Japanese. The camping families. 4bg.

***

Lena like Yuliana. Michelle a much nicer N. A lot of young kids, nineteen or twenty - Gea or Laura for example - such confidence they have. I still feel obliged to protect them though.

***

For L: Your piece of information to keep you interested for the next two days is: my hair is currently pink, and my nipples are purple.

J

I comfort her, and am unsure if she made a remark that I "can be with anyone [I] want".

Laila

Not long has passed, with a tequila and some dancing, and then L is on me, smooching! So delicious. A disappears, and I spend the evening with his friends instead, dancing and kissing L.

I have the lovely L to myself for a night and a morning. Soft and dark, it's great to lose myself in no strings attached pleasure, laughing, joking, touching, singing, grabbing, feeling. Delicious.

R

She reminds me a bit of J, spreading herself thin, trying to meet and please everyone. Or maybe just not me. Either way, it leaves me a bit pissed off. If she's gone cold on me, I'd wish she'd just say, rather than let her actions make me angry.

Jen

I sit beside J, and we're very comfortable with each other, like lovers. I wonder if I should've taken advantage of our own room last night, but I'm looking forward too much to seeing R, and I didn't want to spoil it.

G

I get the feeling G wanted me to kiss her, but she's only young really, both in age and maturity. Also, it would be pretty awkward if I met R again. So no go.

K

If she didn't have a boyfriend, I'd almost be in love. As it is, five years they've been together, and he's 29, so it's obviously serious. I'm not going to mess with that.

Rangitata

Stefan sits on the couch beside me, his arm wrapped around Barbara. It evokes a twinge of jealousy in me. I never had that intimacy with R, just relaxing in front of the television. I'm making too big a deal of her, but my heart has caught, snagged on her. She texted yesterday, but it makes no difference, we won't be seeing each other. Should I find someone new?

Another goodbye

There's not much time to talk, but we share an embrace and a quick kiss. Another goodbye.

Our last night

I'm not sure at what time I decided R was actually ignoring me, and that it wasn't my paranoid imagination. This would be our last night together most likely, and she had barely spoken to me all night. I felt like a third wheel. When the Buffalo turned into a softcore strip club, herself and H went outside in protest. I grabbed my jacket, joining them to tell them I was going home. They didn't appear to hear me though, and went back inside. Not sure what to do, I began to note my thoughts on my phone, something I haven't been angsty enough to do for quite some time.

The Irish Exit... I think it might something performed for attention. Leave in the hope that someone (or anyone) will miss you. But you drunkenly miscalculate. Nobody notices, and deep down you knew they wouldn't. All you want to do is go home and wallow in self-pity.

But she did notice. She explained that she just wanted to spend tonight with H. Why invite me at all? Maybe this is how J felt after Mui Ne. All I wanted was a moment with her to myself. One to savour and remember. Maybe I'll see her again, maybe I won't. I wonder if it was all a plan of hers - to intentionally drive me away. Act like an arsehole, make separation less painful? Maybe she does this often, and I'm just some guy. Maybe I should just avoid the holiday romances for the last few weeks.

We hugged tightly, a fond embrace, and goodnight.

R

We must have sat there for an hour, sharing little details of our lives with each other. Her parents are psychology professors. I forget that she's only 22, she hasn't had a serious boyfriend yet. She's in my lap, we kiss and hold each other.

Nice kiss

A little while later, R says she's heading to bed. I accompany her upstairs, where we kiss, but K is already asleep on her bed, so nothing further happens. Nice kiss though.

Melbourne

We compare the 'European' girl stereotype with the British one. Irish girls suffer from repressed sexual guilt caused by Catholicism. Drunken conversations are always fun.