Love

Such is love. We are but sailors on life's ocean, tossed like so many salads until we throw up over the side, or hit a big fuck-off iceberg. Or a lettuce.

So old

Sometimes I feel like giving up - I feel so old, like I've lived hundreds of lives packed into this lifetime - an eternity of experiences tearing me apart at the seams. Sometimes I don't know who I am, sometimes I don't know where I stand. The sky reflects my emotions, but only if I can tell it what i'm feeling. It's the pain that reminds us we're still alive.

My brother

I know the drone downstairs is my brother on the phone to the samaritans. A hollow guilty feeling steals over me, because I know I should do something, but I know I won't. He killed my enthusiasm for caring with a thousand negative comments, always shirking from my touch, never opening up, except with desperation. Now the only person he talks to is an anonymous voice, who just listens.

Two questions

Why now? Why, after two years of not a word, suddenly strike up a conversation and ask to meet the gang again? It was a bit awkward, which you probably noticed. Nobody was sure what to do - you just re-appeared. And perhaps you'll be gone again now for another two years. But I don't want that. I miss you. I know I ruined you, but you ruined me. Every girl since - it all comes back to you. Breaking up with you is the biggest regret of my life. But I thought I needed to get out. I didn't know it would be so long. That you would go so far away. I'm going to open and honest, because if I'm not, I'll regret this for the rest of my life. I don't know when you're coming back, but that doesn't really matter. I'll come to you if I have to. I've made this mistake once before, and come back to you, and you took me back. To ask a second time, I don't blame you if you don't say yes this time.
Will you have me back?

I miss you.
I miss your green coat.
I miss your green eyes.
Letting you go was the stupidest decision of my life. It's one I'll probably still regret in another three years.
You were the first girl I ever loved, and staying with you forever - it seemed like settling. How could I know if what we had was special, if I had nothing to compare it to?
Now I realise how incredibly lucky I was to have met you, and for you to have loved me as much as I loved you.
I never really stopped loving you.
I miss being able to text you about the little things that happen.
Whenever I swim in the sea, I think of you. Really, I swim for you.
We're both a little older and a little wiser now. We know a bit more about what we want from life, and about whom we want to spend it with.
I need someone smart, sharp and witty. Somebody not afraid of telling me I'm a fool, who can give as good as she gets. Someone with black hair and green eyes, who knows what a minotaur is.
I need you, if you'll have me again.

Another year older...

So, it's been a long year. Not much posting, I know, but it's been a good one. I've spent my first year working full time, and enjoyed it. I haven't met a new girl, or at least, I haven't started a new relationship with anyone. Didn't start running nor walking, but I have started cycling an awful lot more, and invested in a new bike, and a fair amount of equipment. I budget, and am saving, though not as much as I want to. And I only feel sorry for myself every once in a while. It helps to have a regular income, where so many other people don't. Makes me glad that I can afford to do so much more than so many people I know. I share the love when I can, and frequently end up out of pocket after nights out, but I don't mind. I have the luxury of being able to have the attitude that sure, it's only money - there'll be more next month.

But a brief review of the year shows I've managed to cover a lot of ground. A messy start in Cork, a wet weekend in Donegal, and the wedding of two of my best friends (and my first role as a groomsman!). The Fastnacht carnival festival in Mainz, a brief weekend in Clare, another wedding in June, a long weekend in Berlin. A muddy Oxegen, London, two wet weekends in Kerry - one camping in Caherciveen, the other an abortive attempt to climb Carrauntuohill. A weekend in Emilia Romagna, Halloween in Galway, a conference in Kilkenny, and a weekend in Kilkenny with five Donegal girls. And lastly a trip to Cardiff, another wet weekend.

A few great gigs - Leonard Cohen stands out as a fond memory. Muse were spectacularly showcased in the O2, and Fleet Foxes at Vicar Street were sublime. Oxegen included Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds, Doves, NIN, Regina Spektor, the Specials, Fight Like Apes, Fun Lovin' Criminals, Ocean Colour Scene, Katy Perry, and Blur, the soundtrack to my youth.

Finally joined the IFI, so managed to catch a good few quality films. Gran Torino, Let the Right One in, Antichrist, Fermat's Room, Mesrine, Broken Embraces, the Good, the Bad, the Weird, Frost/Nixon, Away we go, Trick 'r Treat, The Girlfriend Experience - all great films.

And next year? What does it hold? Hopes and dreams, ambitions and desires...

1. Start a photo 365 project
I've had my D40X for about six months now, and know SFA about how to work it. Shutter speed, ISO levels... I know what they are, but not how to set them. This will also eventually necessitate purchase of a VR AF lens, probably 55-200mm, which is needed really.

2. Start German lessons.
I have a modest level of German, but I'm rusty as hell. If I can find a quick-moving course starting simple, but ramping up quickly, that'd be perfect.

3. Start swimming lessons
Something I've wanted to do for a while. Much as I love swimming in the sea, I'm just not a strong swimmer. If I want to start kayaking later in the year, I'll need at least confidence in the water.

4. Save €9,000
I think that's an achievable amount for a year. €740 a month. That's about what I get paid for a shift of out of hours support, so if I get one of those a quarter, I'll be happy. With what I have saved already, I'll have about what I want to head off in 2011, and a few months at the start of that year to get a nice margin in case of emergency... or just in case I don't want to come home. :P

5. Join a cycling club.
Something I don't think I need to make a resolution, but it'll be an incentive to get it done sooner rather than later.

Goals for the year:
1. Cycle the Wicklow 200 (though it might only be the 100 if the lads in work have their way).
2. Walk the Wicklow Way (132km).
3. Climb Carrantuohill, preferably at night.
4. Climb Croagh Patick, preferably on Reek SUnday.
5. Visit Northern Ireland.
6. Do a Christmas Day or New Year's Day swim next winter.
7. Take up kayaking.
8. Do a short presentation at the the company conference.
9. Pass my driving test.

Now, there's nothing in there I'm not capable of, so bring on 2010! ...I just need to figure out where to spend New Year's Eve! o/

Recovery

After a rather minor operation last Friday morning, I've spent the weekend taking it easy. As you may guess, this means copious amounts of time spent in front of this computer. I got myself a new monitor to mark the occasion, 23" of widescreen goodness. But a period like this, trapped in the house, forces me to regress to a state of dreaming restlessness. I have to plan... to go somewhere, to buy something. To sit and do nothing is not something I am capable of, unless I have accomplished something. I can sit and enjoy the view from the top of a mountain I have climbed, or watch an afternoon film form the comfort of the couch if I've completed a particularly gruelling cycle that morning. Otherwise, what's the point? Life should be lived fully, filled with active engagements!
So these days have been torturous... reorganise my music collection? Done. Tick off those 'to do' lists? Done. Soon I'll find myself sorting out the cabling behind my desk, and labelling each wire and plug. Maybe with a colour-coded system if I'm feeling wild. Hopefully I'll be able to eat properly by Tuesday, and pull myself out of this reverie.